FULLY SURRENDER IN THE EVER PRESENT NOW

"One of the conclusions I have come to in my old age is the importance of living in the ever present now.  In the past, too often I indulged in the belief that somehow or other tomorrow would be brighter or happier or richer."-Ruth Casey

Music adds a lot to our lives.  When we watch a movie, for example, there is always some song playing that adds depth to the character, the plot or the scene.  Often I've wondered if my life were a movie, what song might be playing that would make that movie memorable to the people watching.  For me, music, like the sense of smell, always brings back a feeling or a memory from another time.  I can be in the middle of a thought or a task and a certain song will come on and it will stop me in my tracks and I will remember and reflect.  Even though I don't play any instruments and you definitely don't want to hear me sing with a microphone, music is powerful in my life.

One of the songs that made me stop and reflect recently was Have You Ever Seen The Rain by Creedence Clearwater Revival.  I did a little checking, and the real meaning behind these lyrics really has absolutely nothing to do with why I like it and why it makes me stop and reflect, so if you know the real meaning forget about it for a minute.  The reason I like it so much is because the rain when the sun is shining is one of the most beautiful things in nature to me.   Usually when the sun is out and it's raining there is also a beautiful rainbow, and the smells are intoxicating.  One time we were driving to Crested Butte over Kebler Pass.  The sky was really dark over to the East, but the sun was shining where we were and it was lightly raining.  We had the windows and the sunroof open and I remember taking a deep breath a couple times trying to drink in the smell of the rain in the early evening.  At one point we turned a corner so we were looking directly at this very large, very close mountain.  The dark clouds were behind the mountain, the sun was shining, there was a little rain, and one of the most vibrant rainbows I've ever seen perfectly encircled that mountain.  It was so breathtaking that we both let out kind of a groan and came to a halt in the middle of the road.  We got out and stood there drinking in that picture.  That vision and memory will live in my mind more vividly than any picture because I was there, I smelled the smells, I felt the feelings and I stopped and took notice.

I don't stop much.  Even when I'm sitting or lying still, my mind doesn't follow suit.  I think most women can identify with that, though I'm not sure about men.  All I know is that for my whole life I've always had a racing mind: Thinking constantly about my day's to-do list;  What I accomplished that day, what was left undone;  Conversations I had with people, things I said or did that I wish could have been different;  Ways I want to change tomorrow, things I swear I will do better; Food I ate, or should have not eaten; My workout, or lack therof; Money, or lack therof; Ways I want to help, love and touch others; How to be a better mom and wife;  How to live more in the present.  Thoughts like these race in my mind all day, and all night.  I know they do at night because I dream like I live-- too fast.

The overwhelming themes for my life this year have been 1) Trust and 2) Live in the present. I'm pretty horrible at both.   I even woke up this morning, like I do so many days, feeling incredibly anxious because I have a very large to-do list, my house is a mess, we are leaving for a vacation and I need to pack and clean before I leave, it's raining outside so I might not get to go on a walk today, I'm worried about money (the lack therof ) and my job...the list goes on and on and on.  But right in this moment something is different and I had to stop and write it down.   Maybe it was the smell of the rain; Maybe it was because my ringtone on my phone is Creedence Clearwater Revival; Maybe it was my new baby needing me to sit down and feed him; Maybe it was the song playing in the background:  "You are the only One I need, I bow all of me at Your feet, I worship You alone, for You alone are Father and You alone are good, You alone are Savior and You alone, are God."  Suddenly it hit me.  I needed to stop everything and be present in this moment.

Usually when I sense I need to stop everything in me screams:  Wait, I'm terrible at stopping!  I'm terrible at being present!  How do I even do that?  How can I enjoy this moment when I've got so many things that demand my attention? How can I possibly do enough, be enough, get enough done if I stop?!   I don't know how I'm going to respond tomorrow, but I'm so thankful that right at this moment I know one thing:   Even in the midst of the busyness of my life and the struggles I have (the rain), the sun (Son) is present in my life and the only important thing in this moment is to bow all of me at His feet, surrendering myself and my to-do list completely to Him,  thanking the God of the Universe for being more than enough.

Enough by Chris Tomlin

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aHEm-b4IRYk

O Glorious Day!

"Living He loved me, dying He saved me, buried He carried my sins far away.  Rising He justified, freely forever, one day He's coming, O Glorious Day! O Glorious Day!" - Casting Crowns

Easter is on my mind today because it's coming up this weekend.  I've struggled in the past with holidays such as Easter and Christmas.  Not because of what they symbolize, but because our society makes them so much into a stressful, non-glorious type occasion.  I get pretty bah-humbuggy about Christmas because of all the extra junk associated with the holiday, and no one even seems to remember what it's really even about.  Easter has been kind of the same for me in the past, and I always wonder what I'm supposed to teach my child about how to "do the holiday" and still understand it's meaning.

I still haven't figured that out completely, but what I can say is that my understanding of what Easter means to me has changed so much over the last few years that it somehow makes the other stuff fade into the background a little.  As long as I remember what it's really about then that's what counts.

Remembrance.  That was the topic of our sermon this past Sunday at church.  Remembering who we were created to be.  Remembering that God has placed us in our world, at this exact time in history, in our neighborhoods, in our jobs, in our circles of friends at this exact moment for a specific reason.  Remembering what He has done for us through all our circumstances.  It's so important.  Awhile back I went through all the really big "aha" moments in my life and wrote them down.  I called them my "stones of remembrance."  Remembering makes it easier to forge ahead, realizing that you haven't been alone, that what you have been through has meaning and purpose and relevance for the future. 

What I have learned about the meaning of Easter, really has everything to do with remembering what God has shown me about who He really is and how precious I am to Him.  I can look back over my past and remember that even when I was very very young I felt His presence and calling out to me, even when I didn't know what that meant.  I can remember that He protected me and was my guide as I went off to college and began to show me what it meant to believe in Him.  I can remember how He literally saved me from crawling inside myself and shutting down after we had a late term miscarriage.  I can remember how through the pain of all of that, somewhere deep within me was a song of joy and praise that didn't come from me...it came from a place that I didn't know existed, and somehow there was joy in my life despite pain. 

I could go on and on.  These "stones of remembrance" help me remember that He who promised is faithful:  "Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by name, you are mine.  When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you; when you walk through fire you shall not be burned, and the flame shall not consume you.  For I am the Lord your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior" (Isaiah 43:1-3).  They give me a reference to go back to every time I get overwhelmed by life again, or forget what a holiday like Easter is really about.

Easter is about how Jesus came to this earth because He loved me.  How when He died, he saved me from all my wretchedness and mistakes and the punishment that I deserve.  How when he rose, he justified me, or rather showed me that what He did for me was warranted and well-grounded and something He did freely because of His love for me.  I know that this is the true meaning of Easter because I remember how He demonstrated all this for me through my "stones of remembrance."  It is my true hope and desire that anyone reading this can look back over their own lives and remember and see how He has freely done this for you as well.  May Easter take on a whole new meaning for you this year - may it be a GLORIOUS DAY, and may you be changed forever because of the revelation.  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VXp6xcY5IqU

I Waited Patiently For The Lord...

I waited patiently for the Lord; And He inclined to me, And heard my cry.  He also brought me up out of a horrible pit, out of the miry clay, and set my feet upon a rock, and established my steps.  He has put a new song in my mouth - Praise be to our God; Many will see it and fear, and will trust in the Lord. 

-Psalm 40:1-3

I waited patiently.  Well, I waited anyhow.  Patience is a difficult thing.  I'm trying to teach my 5 year old son patience.  Last week we went to Wal-Mart to price out an item, and as we were walking in he asked if he could look at the toys.  I told him that we could, but that we needed to look at something first.  He said ok, and was compliant for about 5 minutes.  Then the persistent asking began.  "Mommy, can we look at the toys now?"  1 minute later:  "Mommy, when can we go look at the toys?"  This persisted for awhile and I lost track of how many times I repeated "please just be patient honey, I promise we will look at them as soon as we are done."  Finally I got fed up with the asking and decided he needed to learn what it really meant to be patient.  So I said, "I've told you multiple times that we can go look at the toys after we are done with this task.  If you ask me again, then we will not be looking at them today.  You need to learn to trust me and to be patient."    As you can guess, a couple minutes later, he asked again.  It broke my heart to watch him cry over it, but I had to follow through, otherwise he would have learned nothing.

We have been trained to try to be patient.  We are supposed to stand patiently in line at the store.  We are supposed to be patient while sitting in traffic.  We have to be patient while waiting for our food to come at the restaurant.  Granted, there are those of us who do this better than others - some simply fly off and demand things instantly or exhibit road rage every time they get behind the wheel of their car.  But for the most part, we are asked to be patient in our day to day lives and we comply.  Perhaps that's why I felt it was so important to teach this lesson to my son in Wal-Mart.  I was "training" him to learn patience in day to day life because the day will come when he too must sit in traffic or stand in line.

But what about patience when it comes to waiting on God?  Do we have any training for this?  I really have to argue that particularly in America, no we do not.  While we can wait in line, when we really want something, we generally want it NOW!  This demand for things spills over into our prayer lives and shapes our view of God and what we perceive he "does" and "does not do".   If we pray for something and get what we want, then God becomes our  "genie in a bottle" and we expect Him to give us everything from there on out, no questions asked, WHEN we want it.  If, on the other hand, we pray for something and DON'T get it, then we perceive something entirely different.  Somehow we begin to believe that either we've: 1) asked wrong  2) done something wrong  3) need to ask again and again and again in the exact same manner 4) need to complete some "magic formula" to get what we want  or 5) we conclude God isn't listening, He isn't real, etc etc.  Not often when the answer is "no" or "wait" do we perceive that God just might have a bigger lesson in store for us. 

For me, what I wanted was another baby.  I was blinded by the overwhelming feelings, thoughts and emotions that took over and that's all I could think about.  I couldn't see for a long time that there was something bigger to my answer of "no".  I continued to ask and ask and ask and ask, and while asking  God is NOT a bad thing, I forgot His promise to me.  I forgot that He has promised to take care of me.  To make sure that I have what I need.  That He loves me.  That His intention is NEVER to hurt me.  Just like my son who forgot when I told him that we'd be able to go look at the toys, he continued to ask and ask and ask in the same way.  It didn't dawn on him to take me at my word.  He had to take matters into his own hands to make sure I'd follow through.  I think that's what I was doing with God.  Not that He ever promised me everything I've wanted.  Not even that He promised me another baby - He didn't.  But He promised me that He loved me and would take good care of me and "watch over me and guide me along the best pathway for my life" (psalm 32:8).  I forgot to take Him at His Word, and I tried to take matters into my own hands to make sure I got what I thought I wanted.  I'm sure it broke His heart to watch me hurt and cry over not having what I thought I wanted, but in the end He knew what lessons I needed to learn and how I would learn them best.

The resulting lesson and conclusions from my impatience was far deeper than just the fact that I didn't have another baby in my arms when I wanted to.  I am so grateful that God took that one want, and turned the lessons into a new pathway for me, and a deeper level of trust and belief in who He really is.  I'm so grateful I didn't get what I wanted and that He began to teach me what it means to wait patiently on Him.  "He brought me out of that pit, established my steps and put a new song in my mouth."  Hallelujah!  I will praise Him every day of my life for that moment when he said "no".

Be of Good Courage...

"Be of good courage, and He shall strengthen your heart, all you who hope in the Lord"
- Psalm 31:24

Some dictionary definitions:
Courage:  " the quality of mind or spirit that enables a person to face difficulty, danger, pain, etc., without fear; bravery"
Fear: "a distressing emotion aroused by impending danger, evil, pain, etc., whether the threat is real or imagined; the feeling or condition of being afraid; concern or anxiety"
Quality:  "an essential or distinctive characteristic"

I find it interesting that the dictionary says that "quality of mind or spirit" is the necessary component of courage.  According to that definition, the mind or spirit would need a distinctive characteristic to be able to handle the potential difficulty, danger or pain; and to be able to handle all of those things without fear or anxiety would take something no less than supernatural. 

I'm not what I would consider to be an intellectual person; I'm more driven by emotions and most of my responses to life are driven by those emotions, so I'm not going to pretend to be super deep here.  I'm just an ordinary person who struggles with finding peace amidst the chaos and calamities that fill this life.  I struggle to lay down my fears an anxieties, and I so desperately want to face everything in life with courage.

So what does it look like to face life, and all the good and bad that comes with it, with courage?

Recently I heard a teaching by Beth Moore in which she talked about the mind.  Specifically she referenced 2 Timothy 1:7: "For God has not given me a spirit of fear, but of power, love and a sound mind" (emphasis mine).  I'm not a scholar here, but to me, that "distinctive characteristic" that the dictionary says is needed to have courage is a SOUND MIND (because the definition is a QUALITY of mind, and quality's definition is to have a distinctive characteristic). That's it?  I need a sound mind?  And what's more, the Bible says I already have it because God's given me that spirit.

Last night I had a test for the martial art I'm learning, Soo Bahk Do.  I am new to this training, having only begun in June of this year.  Before the test I spent some time reading some of the manual to learn about the history and philosophy of Soo Bahk Do and Moo Duk Kwan.  Here is what some of the manual said:  Soo Bahk Do is "a Korean traditional martial art whose history dates back many centuries.  Kicking techniques, for which Soo Bahk Do is renowned, are based on the Moo Duk Kwan style as developed by the late founder Hwang Kee."  "The Moo Duk Kwan name gives us direction and focus in our mental training.  Soo Bahk Do is the technique; Moo Duk Kwan is the philosophy."  A brief definition of the words 'Moo Duk Kwan' is "a brotherhood and school of stopping inner and outer conflict and developing virtue through Soo Bahk Do training".

So I spent time before the test learning and reflecting on this.  I also learned that the Moo Duk Kwan flag (and the patch I wear on my uniform) carries with it significance on each part.  I was particularly drawn to the Korean symbol of the word "Moo" in the center.  It's meaning is translated "martial or military", but also it's a "composite of 'stop' and 'sword' or 'fighting'."  "This symbol represents the idea that the central purpose of Soo Bahk Do is to stop fighting between people and to resolve conflicts within ourselves."  This resonated with me because I feel like I have so much inner conflict that I'm constantly fighting.

So what's the point I'm trying to make?  Well, it occurred to me this morning that one of the many internal conflicts I have is just taking God at His Word, and believing what He says, versus what I feel.  He's telling me that He's already given me a sound mind.  It's there, whether I believe it or not.  He's already given me a spirit NOT of fear, but of love and sound mind - whether I believe it or not.  What I need to do is remember that His Living, Active Spirit is the energy and driving force behind everything I do, think and feel.  And if I'm filled with His Spirit, then I already have courage, whether I believe it or tap into it or not. 

During my test last night I had to be of good courage, because I had to perform a lot of the test by myself, in front of a lot of people - and believe me when I tell you that it was intimidating for someone who hasn't been training long.  That test was one of the few times in my life when I've just really taken God at His Word and just rested in the fact that I already had the courage I was seeking, because He's already given it to me, because I am His; and I just went out there and did my best.  And I've been amazed at the response.  People saw it.  I felt it.  Anything good they saw in my technique or my character last night was them looking directly at the Spirit of God; and I was fully aware of that and so pleased that He is who they saw because I want every last abyss of me to be fully surrendered to God so that everyone can experience THE GOD OF THE UNIVERSE!

The result of this experience? He strengthened my heart more than I could have hoped for, not just in confidence for my training, but I've made a connection with this experience and training and the biggest battle I'm facing today: fear during this pregnancy after loss. For the first time I feel like I can approach this pregnancy with good courage because I already have the necessary component or quality of a SOUND MIND and POWER that He's given me - and that strengthens my heart to hope for things I dared not hope for, and just accept His gift.  What a relief it is today to rest in this revelation and know I'm one step closer to resolving some inner conflict.